Sunday 1 April 2018
Sunday 14 January 2018
Just a vent really
I haven't used this in a really long time. I won't be linking this to anywhere, I just need to write this down.
I still want to fucking die. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I've realised how fucking pointless my life is. I have nothing and no one. I'm three feet deep in fucking despair. I'm 32 years old and I'm doing OK on the material shit, but actual valuable stuff, like people I love and who love me, I feel like I've got nothing and am nothing. I want to die because I know it wouldn't generate many ripples. I don't attempt suicide again because the only people that do matter to me would be hurt by my death. The fact that there were only two people on this list and one of thems a cat means my personal doomsday clock is a lot shorter than in could be.
I still want to fucking die. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I've realised how fucking pointless my life is. I have nothing and no one. I'm three feet deep in fucking despair. I'm 32 years old and I'm doing OK on the material shit, but actual valuable stuff, like people I love and who love me, I feel like I've got nothing and am nothing. I want to die because I know it wouldn't generate many ripples. I don't attempt suicide again because the only people that do matter to me would be hurt by my death. The fact that there were only two people on this list and one of thems a cat means my personal doomsday clock is a lot shorter than in could be.
Tuesday 6 October 2015
Matchy- matchy
Possibly this will seem like a weird one and it once again harks back to the old self esteem totem I wave a lot. Just to put things into context, four days ago I had surgery, which has left me feeling pretty shitty. I'm covered in iodine, which I can't get off because I can't get the dressings wet. I also can't bend, because it's causing my blood pressure to drop and me to faint, so I can't wash my hair. I can't get my jeans over my dressings, I'm starving all the time so I'm eating more than I'm used to and feel as if I've visibly gained weight (even though I was advised to at the last group, my mind isn't working normally at the moment, so I'm anxious)
So what did I do today to make myself feel better, with a lot of help from my lovely mum and a wheelchair I went out and did something just for me. I bought pretty matching underwear, so whatever I have to wear for a while I will know I'm wearing something nice.
Which brings me onto my next section. On Friday, when I went into hospital, I wore Wonderwoman pants and my most umphy bra. Want to know why, because the bra maketh the woman. In the case of those of us with loose skin on the torso, a really good bra lifts everything underneath it too, and yes I may have spent most of the day in paper pants and a gown with no back, but damnit, I was going to walk in looking like me. I'm not talking spanx. I think those things are bloody awful, tried 'em once, my boobs nearly exploded with displacement and I couldn't breathe. I'm talking about finding that something that makes you feel confident and beautiful, without needing comment from someone else. Give it a bit of umph, just for you.
So what did I do today to make myself feel better, with a lot of help from my lovely mum and a wheelchair I went out and did something just for me. I bought pretty matching underwear, so whatever I have to wear for a while I will know I'm wearing something nice.
Monday 28 September 2015
Shaming
OK people, it's been a while I know, I've been crazy busy then I'll admit, crazy lazy. Plus I've been figuring out how to phrase this without coming off as a preachy weird, but sod it here we go. I apologise I am going to swear a bit here.
I am sick of body crazes. The thigh gap challenge, the belly button challenge, the collarbone challenge, the fucking thigh brow. What the hell? I am aware many people read this to gain some insight into my weight loss journey, which I am immensely proud of, and I am also proud of anyone else who embarks on it.
But what I want to talk about society now and how it makes all of us, not just women, view ourselves. Bodyshaming seems to be acceptable bullying now. There are forever articles saying 'look how fat they got about size 12 women', or they don't look good, when commenting on people off the telly who haven't Beyonce'd up before they go out for a pint of milk, or they 'look their age', come off it, not everyone is Helen Mirren, who I am convinced is actually magic . Now people also see fit to do it to strangers in the street.
Fatspiration, fitspiration, thinspiration (don't get me onto feeders or pro ana or we'll be back down the mental health route), it's all bullshit. If fatspiration had been such a big thing a few years ago I might have found my old self acceptable, in spite of my health, thinspiration seems to be what keeps me feeling bad about my loose skin, when it should be a badge of honour, and fitspiration seems determined to point out if you aren't running until your feet fall off you should feel like a slob. The only inspiration I want to see, want to hear about is happy, healthy people doing things, be it lighterlife, walking the dog, learning to knit, whatever, who inspire others to do what feels right while keeping healthy in all aspects and doing right by others.
No one, be a tabloid, a tv show or a person on the street, will ever be perfect, and I would rather be me than someone who takes joy from riducluling others.
Here is something that does make me feel joy
http://www.reshareworthy.com/golden-retriever-chooses-toy/
I am sick of body crazes. The thigh gap challenge, the belly button challenge, the collarbone challenge, the fucking thigh brow. What the hell? I am aware many people read this to gain some insight into my weight loss journey, which I am immensely proud of, and I am also proud of anyone else who embarks on it.
But what I want to talk about society now and how it makes all of us, not just women, view ourselves. Bodyshaming seems to be acceptable bullying now. There are forever articles saying 'look how fat they got about size 12 women', or they don't look good, when commenting on people off the telly who haven't Beyonce'd up before they go out for a pint of milk, or they 'look their age', come off it, not everyone is Helen Mirren, who I am convinced is actually magic . Now people also see fit to do it to strangers in the street.
Fatspiration, fitspiration, thinspiration (don't get me onto feeders or pro ana or we'll be back down the mental health route), it's all bullshit. If fatspiration had been such a big thing a few years ago I might have found my old self acceptable, in spite of my health, thinspiration seems to be what keeps me feeling bad about my loose skin, when it should be a badge of honour, and fitspiration seems determined to point out if you aren't running until your feet fall off you should feel like a slob. The only inspiration I want to see, want to hear about is happy, healthy people doing things, be it lighterlife, walking the dog, learning to knit, whatever, who inspire others to do what feels right while keeping healthy in all aspects and doing right by others.
No one, be a tabloid, a tv show or a person on the street, will ever be perfect, and I would rather be me than someone who takes joy from riducluling others.
Here is something that does make me feel joy
http://www.reshareworthy.com/golden-retriever-chooses-toy/
Tuesday 7 July 2015
Happiness is...
Start Weight; 18st 5
Weight: 8st ll
Listening to: The telly
Reading: Bones are Forever- Kathy Reichs
No selfie today, because no-one wants to see me in my Wonderwoman PJ's. The holiday was amazing and I'm very proud of myself for only 3lbs gained on a two week all inclusive holiday, then 6 and a half off on maintenance. I'm sorry I know it's been longer than I promised between posts.
I was going to talk about motivation and happiness, but I didn't want to just talk about my own motivation and happiness, but only one other person actually joined in when I asked what their motivations and happy places were (thanks Mims). That sent me to thinking. I'm sure if I'd asked 'what makes you miserable and makes you feel like you can't achieve your goals' I'd probably have got a thousand responses.
I've also had a conversation with a friend today where we talked about the point that life was 'right', to have kids, to get married, whatever and the fact that so many people say 'next week, next month, next year, next decade'. It made me realise something. Yes, I get depressed, I get stressed, I hate that sometimes I'm misinterpreted and seen not to be a nice person, but I am lucky, because I like my life. I was able to find many things, very quickly, that made me feel happy and motivated. So I'm asking, you don't have to tell me or make it public, but really think and focus on what makes you happy and motivated, and what you like about your life. If you want to say, put it in the comments, if you don't, don't just keep it in your mind, because it will help you to be happier.
Weight: 8st ll
Listening to: The telly
Reading: Bones are Forever- Kathy Reichs
No selfie today, because no-one wants to see me in my Wonderwoman PJ's. The holiday was amazing and I'm very proud of myself for only 3lbs gained on a two week all inclusive holiday, then 6 and a half off on maintenance. I'm sorry I know it's been longer than I promised between posts.
I was going to talk about motivation and happiness, but I didn't want to just talk about my own motivation and happiness, but only one other person actually joined in when I asked what their motivations and happy places were (thanks Mims). That sent me to thinking. I'm sure if I'd asked 'what makes you miserable and makes you feel like you can't achieve your goals' I'd probably have got a thousand responses.
I've also had a conversation with a friend today where we talked about the point that life was 'right', to have kids, to get married, whatever and the fact that so many people say 'next week, next month, next year, next decade'. It made me realise something. Yes, I get depressed, I get stressed, I hate that sometimes I'm misinterpreted and seen not to be a nice person, but I am lucky, because I like my life. I was able to find many things, very quickly, that made me feel happy and motivated. So I'm asking, you don't have to tell me or make it public, but really think and focus on what makes you happy and motivated, and what you like about your life. If you want to say, put it in the comments, if you don't, don't just keep it in your mind, because it will help you to be happier.
Sunday 7 June 2015
Bit if a different one today
Start Weight; 18st 5
Weight: 9st
Listening to: The telly
Reading: Break No Bones- Kathy Reichs
That's this week's selfie, not a full body because I love this beret, because my wonderful friend bought it for me. My hair looks weird in the shot but who cares.
I had lots of ideas about what I was going to write about today. I thought about mental health, I thought about food advertising, normative body portrayal in the media and body shaming. I even thought about writing about what I was eating. I actually promised my group leader Debbie I would do that and I promise, my next post (which will be in a few weeks, I'm not just not blogging from Spain I'm doing nothing).
Then I decided to write about something that I've talked about a lot this week, but can't seem to grasp myself. Self esteem.
It is an unquantifiable thing, different to find for everyone. I can't remember any time in my adult life that I've ever felt good about myself for more than a day or so. I put on a good face on and I front it out a lot of the time, so I seem like a confident person. I am not. Ever. Yes I put up selfies now, but look for anything older than the last six months you will find one or two a year when I change my hair dye.
My self esteem at my place is directly related to how close to target I am, and how I feel is based heavily on my competitive nature. Every outfit I wear, I might look good, but I always know someone else will look better. If someone 'beats' me, I'm happy for them, but disappointed that I didn't do better. I struggle to find positive affirmations in every day, but could probably find a thousand failures. If I don't think I'll be good at something, I don't start it so I don't have to fail.
It stems from a thousand things, from being told from an early age that everyone expects you to be less than them because of your disability so you have to do better. Never a truer word has ever been spoken. Many people who meet me for the first time, particularly if I'm in the wheelchair for travel, speak to the person I'm with. I will pay for things and cashiers will attempt to hand back the goods and/or change to the person I'm out with. I am nearly 30 years old, I have a degree and a mortgage and strangers don't trust me with my own change.
It comes from being fat (there I said the taboo word). For five years before lighterlife I had only two mirrors in the house, and I kept them both covered. I refused photos of myself, flipped away from shows about weight or weightloss, in case I recognised too much of myself in shows that revelled in fatness be it fetish or fix. I never watched anything about beauty, because I felt I could never be beautiful. I shopped online, because standing in front of a mirror in a changing room made me weep. I still tend not to watch things about love, because I would never expect anyone to love me and it makes me sad to think on it.
Don't for a second think that I don't know that most of the self esteem issues that cripple me are my own 'fault'. I could have stopped eating badly at any point, and I even asked my GP for help, which was shrugged off as my disability meaning I couldn't exercise. That response to my, at one point open beg, for help being ignored was to feel as if no one else cared enough to help me why should I care about myself. I ate more and more, and my self esteem grew lower as I grew wider and I ate more. It became a downward spiral. Knowing my eating habits would be disapproved of and if I was honest, knowing it had become a problem, I began to hide my takeaway packets and pizza boxes.
I wish I could sit here and pinpoint the reason I decided to change on my own destiny. I wish I could tell you the shining moment that came up and smacked me in the face and told me to change. There was no epiphany. I sat on my sofa after another pizza big enough to feed a family of four, my third that week and realised that if I continued in the way I was, that I would die, either through bariatric illness or by my own hand when my level of self worth became so low again there was no point going on.
The decision to change is a tough one, and everyone who embarks on a big change is incredibly brave.
I am working on all of my issues. Setting my own inner targets, that are manageable for both my weight, the book and my work and don't set me against others. I am trying to see my own 'beauty' and control my competitive edge and anxiety. It's hard, and I don't know if I'll ever get total control, but I will forever strive, to be the best that I can be, not better than everyone else can be, because I don't need to be and maybe if I'm lucky, someone will love me, because I'll learn to love myself.
Weight: 9st
Listening to: The telly
Reading: Break No Bones- Kathy Reichs
I had lots of ideas about what I was going to write about today. I thought about mental health, I thought about food advertising, normative body portrayal in the media and body shaming. I even thought about writing about what I was eating. I actually promised my group leader Debbie I would do that and I promise, my next post (which will be in a few weeks, I'm not just not blogging from Spain I'm doing nothing).
Then I decided to write about something that I've talked about a lot this week, but can't seem to grasp myself. Self esteem.
It is an unquantifiable thing, different to find for everyone. I can't remember any time in my adult life that I've ever felt good about myself for more than a day or so. I put on a good face on and I front it out a lot of the time, so I seem like a confident person. I am not. Ever. Yes I put up selfies now, but look for anything older than the last six months you will find one or two a year when I change my hair dye.
My self esteem at my place is directly related to how close to target I am, and how I feel is based heavily on my competitive nature. Every outfit I wear, I might look good, but I always know someone else will look better. If someone 'beats' me, I'm happy for them, but disappointed that I didn't do better. I struggle to find positive affirmations in every day, but could probably find a thousand failures. If I don't think I'll be good at something, I don't start it so I don't have to fail.
It stems from a thousand things, from being told from an early age that everyone expects you to be less than them because of your disability so you have to do better. Never a truer word has ever been spoken. Many people who meet me for the first time, particularly if I'm in the wheelchair for travel, speak to the person I'm with. I will pay for things and cashiers will attempt to hand back the goods and/or change to the person I'm out with. I am nearly 30 years old, I have a degree and a mortgage and strangers don't trust me with my own change.
It comes from being fat (there I said the taboo word). For five years before lighterlife I had only two mirrors in the house, and I kept them both covered. I refused photos of myself, flipped away from shows about weight or weightloss, in case I recognised too much of myself in shows that revelled in fatness be it fetish or fix. I never watched anything about beauty, because I felt I could never be beautiful. I shopped online, because standing in front of a mirror in a changing room made me weep. I still tend not to watch things about love, because I would never expect anyone to love me and it makes me sad to think on it.
Don't for a second think that I don't know that most of the self esteem issues that cripple me are my own 'fault'. I could have stopped eating badly at any point, and I even asked my GP for help, which was shrugged off as my disability meaning I couldn't exercise. That response to my, at one point open beg, for help being ignored was to feel as if no one else cared enough to help me why should I care about myself. I ate more and more, and my self esteem grew lower as I grew wider and I ate more. It became a downward spiral. Knowing my eating habits would be disapproved of and if I was honest, knowing it had become a problem, I began to hide my takeaway packets and pizza boxes.
I wish I could sit here and pinpoint the reason I decided to change on my own destiny. I wish I could tell you the shining moment that came up and smacked me in the face and told me to change. There was no epiphany. I sat on my sofa after another pizza big enough to feed a family of four, my third that week and realised that if I continued in the way I was, that I would die, either through bariatric illness or by my own hand when my level of self worth became so low again there was no point going on.
The decision to change is a tough one, and everyone who embarks on a big change is incredibly brave.
I am working on all of my issues. Setting my own inner targets, that are manageable for both my weight, the book and my work and don't set me against others. I am trying to see my own 'beauty' and control my competitive edge and anxiety. It's hard, and I don't know if I'll ever get total control, but I will forever strive, to be the best that I can be, not better than everyone else can be, because I don't need to be and maybe if I'm lucky, someone will love me, because I'll learn to love myself.
 |
| Today's Moo's pic |
Saturday 30 May 2015
OK- let's try this again
Start Weight; 18st 5
Weight: 9st 1 and a half
Listening to: Falling- Alisha Keyes
Reading: Cross Bones- Kathy Reichs
OK, this is a restart. Probably a little more proper at that.
I should probably tell you a little bit about my life. My name is Lauren, but I also go by Lube, Loz and Lou. I'm 29, with a job, a mortgage, and a cat. In the last 15 months. I have lost just over 9 stone of weight (126lbs if you want it in old money) and I've suddenly realised. This is what I need to blog about, with honesty about how I feel about it all, especially now that I've entered the terrifying phase of actually trying to stay at this weight.
I don't know if you can see the difference, sometimes I struggle. I used a diet that only the people that wander here by accident will not know. It's called Lighterlife. I'm fairly sure it saved my life, and I love that, but I am struggling to cope with the new mindset that comes with the new size, so that's sort of what the blog is for.
Someone told me recently that I needed to think of this as a new, permanent identity change. Fat me is dead and gone, thin me is here and I have to embrace that, change my lifestyle and eating habits and grow used to this new person who looks at me in the mirror every morning. My problem, I still think I look huge. Therefore I'll be using the blog to track myself. I'll update on a Monday probably with any gain or loss. While I am aware my body needs to settle and I should give myself some time to see what I sits to, I am terrified of gaining. I'm trying to set myself a reasonable top weight, at which point I go back onto Total. I'm thinking 9st 10lbs is reasonable as I am currently just below my 'ideal weight' and that is half a stone over it. I don't know what everyone else thinks?
For those who don't know Lighterlife total is four food packs containing all the nutrients you need and 600kcals per day. That as long as you have the willpower, is the easy bit. Now I've hit the hard bit. To add some detail, I have some mental health issues, depression and anxiety, which make it hard for me not to worry almost constantly about almost everything. Ever. Then the anxiety hits fever pitch, my brain snaps and I want to die. I run on cycles of this and am currently in high anxiety mode. Thank god that my place of work are supportive, because so far the NHS grow less useful with every passing year. I also have physical issues, which makes exercising to keep the weight off really tough. Primarily I have a condition called cerebral palsy. It is brain damage, caused by oxygen deprivation during, or very shortly after birth.I was born ten weeks early, which meant my body simply wasn't ready yet. I have no balance, issues with functionality of my legs and left hand, and a tendency to slur my words if I'm tired. It does make life different, but I honestly can't say if it's harder or not, it's my life and it makes me different, so I sort of like it. At the moment the harder issue is that the bones in my feet and ankles are still growing, but are doing so in the wrong direction, which is causing pain, bruising and ultimately my bones to dislocate. They've fixed the right foot and I go in to see the consultant the Wednesday after next so things look hopeful.
I'm a reader
and a writer, who is currently working on her first novel with her writing partner and best friend, who is also an artist.
and a list maker, which is how I'm doing maintenance, by listing everything I eat, and now drink just to be sure, after all hydration is key. I also write down how I'm feeling, about food and life in general to see if it influences my eating patterns and to learn to deal with that
I leave you with the request that if you read this, you comment, tell me what you think even if it's just to tell me my cat is pretty, ask a question about anything you like, just want to to talk, or tell me you think that I've gained weight or am a whiny fat-ass, or a whiny thin ass. Even trolls are welcome. Sometimes I could do with a fight.
Check out Michelle for more like
I leave you with this
Weight: 9st 1 and a half
Listening to: Falling- Alisha Keyes
Reading: Cross Bones- Kathy Reichs
OK, this is a restart. Probably a little more proper at that.
I should probably tell you a little bit about my life. My name is Lauren, but I also go by Lube, Loz and Lou. I'm 29, with a job, a mortgage, and a cat. In the last 15 months. I have lost just over 9 stone of weight (126lbs if you want it in old money) and I've suddenly realised. This is what I need to blog about, with honesty about how I feel about it all, especially now that I've entered the terrifying phase of actually trying to stay at this weight.
 |
| Me before |
 |
| Me this morning...after a couple of outfit changes |
I don't know if you can see the difference, sometimes I struggle. I used a diet that only the people that wander here by accident will not know. It's called Lighterlife. I'm fairly sure it saved my life, and I love that, but I am struggling to cope with the new mindset that comes with the new size, so that's sort of what the blog is for.
Someone told me recently that I needed to think of this as a new, permanent identity change. Fat me is dead and gone, thin me is here and I have to embrace that, change my lifestyle and eating habits and grow used to this new person who looks at me in the mirror every morning. My problem, I still think I look huge. Therefore I'll be using the blog to track myself. I'll update on a Monday probably with any gain or loss. While I am aware my body needs to settle and I should give myself some time to see what I sits to, I am terrified of gaining. I'm trying to set myself a reasonable top weight, at which point I go back onto Total. I'm thinking 9st 10lbs is reasonable as I am currently just below my 'ideal weight' and that is half a stone over it. I don't know what everyone else thinks?
For those who don't know Lighterlife total is four food packs containing all the nutrients you need and 600kcals per day. That as long as you have the willpower, is the easy bit. Now I've hit the hard bit. To add some detail, I have some mental health issues, depression and anxiety, which make it hard for me not to worry almost constantly about almost everything. Ever. Then the anxiety hits fever pitch, my brain snaps and I want to die. I run on cycles of this and am currently in high anxiety mode. Thank god that my place of work are supportive, because so far the NHS grow less useful with every passing year. I also have physical issues, which makes exercising to keep the weight off really tough. Primarily I have a condition called cerebral palsy. It is brain damage, caused by oxygen deprivation during, or very shortly after birth.I was born ten weeks early, which meant my body simply wasn't ready yet. I have no balance, issues with functionality of my legs and left hand, and a tendency to slur my words if I'm tired. It does make life different, but I honestly can't say if it's harder or not, it's my life and it makes me different, so I sort of like it. At the moment the harder issue is that the bones in my feet and ankles are still growing, but are doing so in the wrong direction, which is causing pain, bruising and ultimately my bones to dislocate. They've fixed the right foot and I go in to see the consultant the Wednesday after next so things look hopeful.
 | |
| Death of scary black foot |
So, here's the rest of my story. I have a cat, Moomoo, who is possibly the love of my life and has stopped me doing something silly quite a few times in the last few years. I also have a wonderfully supportive mum and a few very good friends- Photos not added because I don't have their permission. (I'm not great at friends, my brain doesn't really get people).
I'm a reader
 | ||
| one of six overloaded bookcases in my house |
Check out Michelle for more like
 |
| MSuttonArtwork |
I leave you with this
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