OK- let's try this again

Start Weight; 18st 5
Weight: 9st 1 and a half
Listening to: Falling- Alisha Keyes
Reading: Cross Bones- Kathy Reichs

OK, this is a restart. Probably a little more proper at that.

I should probably tell you a little bit about my life. My name is Lauren, but I also go by Lube, Loz and Lou. I'm 29, with a job, a mortgage, and a cat. In the last 15 months. I have lost just over 9 stone of weight (126lbs if you want it in old money) and I've suddenly realised. This is what I need to blog about, with honesty about how I feel about it all, especially now that I've entered the terrifying phase of actually trying to stay at this weight.

Me before

Me this morning...after a couple of outfit changes

 I don't know if you can see the difference, sometimes I struggle. I used a diet that only the people that wander here by accident will not know. It's called Lighterlife. I'm fairly sure it saved my life, and I love that, but I am struggling to cope with the new mindset that comes with the new size, so that's sort of what the blog is for.

Someone told me recently that I needed to think of this as a new, permanent identity change. Fat me is dead and gone, thin me is here and I have to embrace that, change my lifestyle and eating habits and grow used to this new person who looks at me in the mirror every morning. My problem, I still think I look huge. Therefore I'll be using the blog to track myself. I'll update on a Monday probably with any gain or loss. While I am aware my body needs to settle and I should give myself some time to see what I sits to, I am terrified of gaining. I'm trying to set myself a reasonable top weight, at which point I go back onto Total. I'm thinking 9st 10lbs is reasonable as I am currently just below my 'ideal weight' and that is half a stone over it. I don't know what everyone else thinks?

For those who don't know Lighterlife total is four food packs containing all the nutrients you need and 600kcals per day. That as long as you have the willpower, is the easy bit. Now I've hit the hard bit. To add some detail, I have some mental health issues, depression and anxiety, which make it hard for me not to worry almost constantly about almost everything. Ever. Then the anxiety hits fever pitch, my brain snaps and I want to die. I run on cycles of this and am currently in high anxiety mode. Thank god that my place of work are supportive, because so far the NHS grow less useful with every passing year. I also have physical issues, which makes exercising to keep the weight off really tough. Primarily I have a condition called cerebral palsy. It is brain damage, caused by oxygen deprivation during, or very shortly after birth.I was born ten weeks early, which meant my body simply wasn't ready yet. I have no balance, issues with functionality of my legs and left hand, and a tendency to slur my words if I'm tired. It does make life different, but I honestly can't say if it's harder or not, it's my life and it makes me different, so I sort of like it. At the moment the harder issue is that the bones in my feet and ankles are still growing, but are doing so in the wrong direction, which is causing pain, bruising and ultimately my bones to dislocate. They've fixed the right foot and I go in to see the consultant the Wednesday after next so things look hopeful.

Death of scary black foot

So, here's the rest of my story. I have a cat, Moomoo, who is possibly the love of my life and has stopped me doing something silly quite a few times in the last few years. I also have a wonderfully supportive mum and a few very good friends- Photos not added because I don't have their permission. (I'm not great at friends, my brain doesn't really get people).

I'm a reader

one of six overloaded bookcases in my house

and a writer, who is currently working on her first novel with her writing partner and best friend, who is also an artist.

and a list maker, which is how I'm doing maintenance, by listing everything I eat, and now drink just to be sure, after all hydration is key. I also write down how I'm feeling, about food and life in general to see if it influences my eating patterns and to learn to deal with that

 I leave you with the request that if you read this, you comment, tell me what you think even if it's just to tell me my cat is pretty, ask a question about anything you like, just want to to talk, or tell me you think that I've gained weight or am a whiny fat-ass, or a whiny thin ass. Even trolls are welcome. Sometimes I could do with a fight.

Check out Michelle for more like

MSuttonArtwork

I leave you with this

Week 1

Reading: The Hourglass Factory (it's a chunky book and really good)

Watching:Call the Midwife

Weighing: 10st 5.5lbs

Cat: Hasn't actually thrown up anything all week, it's a freaking miracle

This week has been odd. I feel as if I working my arse off to stay in the same place, but I'm still very content. I am so very happy in my humdrum little life. Little house, little cat, normal job, but I am the most well I have been since I was 14.

Depression is the strangest beast. It colours everything and for me it has done for my whole adult life, and quite a bit before then. It actually feels strange not to be ill, to be happy and looking forward. I always worry that if I become too happy, something terrible will happen to end it, maybe to someone I care about to stop me being happy and to make me pay for being happy. I had no idea that this was a thing anyone else felt and that I was very odd.

Aversion to happiness, also called cherophobia, is an attitude towards happiness in which individuals may deliberately avoid experiences that invoke positive emotions or happiness.

One of several reasons that aversion to happiness may develop is the belief that when ones becomes happy, a negative event will soon occur that will taint their happiness, as if that individual is being punished for satisfaction.^[1] This belief is thought to be more prevalent in non-Western cultures. In Western cultures, such as American culture, "it is almost taken for granted that happiness is one of the most important values guiding people’s lives." Western cultures are more driven by an urge to maximize happiness and minimize sadness. Failing to appear happy is often a cause for concern. Its value is echoed through Western positive psychology and research on subjective well-being.^[2

<sup>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aversion_to_happiness

Who knew, but even this makes me feel just a little bit happier. That I am not alone in my oddness, but then that's the thing, no one is we just don't realise it.

In other news, I have spent more money than I can possibly afford on beautiful clothes I could never have fitted into this time last year. That's why I write down my weight you see, without any surgery. Last year I was 18st 5lbs and I have embarked on a huge weight loss plan, which has worked. I won't brand drop, because, I just won't but for me with 16lbs to go. I started with 129lbs to go. I looked at that huge number on the scale and thought, if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll be dead by the time I'm 40, so I changed. I just hope in 16lbs I can keep on with this, wish me luck.

OK another thing. I looked at my pageviews, it says I have 5, I don't know if that's just me fiddling, but if you are looking say hi!</sup>

Opener

This is not a thing for anyone else. It's going to be a big fat list, what I'm eating, watching, reading, how I'm feeling, stuff my cat threw up. I might rant occasionally, get angry about shoes and other humans. It's just somewhere for me to vent without judgement.

I might update every Sunday. Who knows?

Reading: The Hourglass Factory

Watching: Sherlock

Eating: Food for once

Weighing: 10st 7lbs

Cat: Hasn't actually thrown up anything

I'm currently tired, angry with lazy people and judgemental people, who seem to think they have a right to demand things and tell me what to do then do nothing to help me.